Welp, it was good while it lasted. Remember the guy I told you all that I was in love with? Dead that shit. We’re over, and although I still occasionally get a bit sad and I’m sure underneath all his insecurities that he’s a great person, I’m happy. I’m happy I finally realized my worth. There’s a stigma that people that stay in toxic relationships have “low self esteem, self perception issues, no love in their lives so they’ll accept anything, etc.” Basically a bunch of lies. Before my relationship and especially afterwards, I always thought highly of myself and that’s why I left. I KNEW I deserved better and I knew he didn’t deserve me. I’d like to think that he knew it too but based off of the way his thought process is set up, he didn’t.
I tried to end things twice with him. Both times he told me he’d change. Both times I was dissapointed. Our final “attempt” we decided to take a break (sometimes this method works and sometimes it doesn’t). He had to go to an internship in another state all summer and was supposed to see me before he left for his internship so we could spend time together. Instead of hanging out of with me, he decided to hang out with his mom (understandable – but damn, you see her all year but … no tea, no shade), his friends and even some highschool teachers – STRIKE FUCKING ONE. That should have been a sign! I should have left then and not looked back but I wanted to believe he’d change and he proved me wrong.
Around this time the album Lemonade by Beyonce came out and one of the songs that immediately caught my attention was Sandcastles. The lyrics are “We build sand castles that washed away. I made you cry when I walked away. And although I promised that I couldn’t stay, every promise don’t work out that way.” I applied that to my relationship and said “Okay Moriah, maybe he can change. Maybe something has clicked. Maybe the guy that you fell in love with is underneath all of this mess somewhere. Give him another chance.” So I did.
His internship was for 2 months meaning we were on break for 2 months. I figured that was enough time for him to have his shit together or I’d have to bounce, I couldn’t keep putting my life on hold and giving my all to an “emotionally unavailable” man. Yes, that’s what he called himself – STRIKE FUCKING TWO. Ladies and Gents, when someone tells you they’re emotionally unavailable, trust them and thank them for not wasting your time. I was not told this until a few months in unfortunately so I was already in love and willing to fight for a relationship that should’ve never occured. When I asked him however how long the break was supposed to continue, he said 6 months. You can read the rest of the text here:
When I read “I lowkey forgot about this break anyways” I was filled with anger. I was angry because my time had been wasted, my feelings had been hurt of course and plus, he’s the one that when I tried to break up with him and move on, initiated the idea of a break! I explicitly asked him ” Is this break leading to a breakup or are we still working on ‘us’ and solely focused on each other and the betterment of our relationship” and he said yes. So to see him say he forgot about our break and it was his idea in the first place upset me.
Now you may ask why I didn’t respond at the end, it’s cause I truly felt no need to. I feel strongly that people treat you the way you let them. I’m trying not to cry while writing this but I’m getting upset remembering the emotional state that I was in a few months ago. I didn’t respond because I was so tired of being mistreated by someone I’d never do wrong. I was so tired of giving energy and countless chances to change to someone who saw no error in their actions. If you see no problem with what you’re doing, you couldn’t possibly be sorry. For 2 months I saw him make time for everyone but me – STRIKE THREE. A person will make time for what they want to make time for. I understand this and respect it therefore I didn’t respond. I loved him but I love myself wayyyy more. I couldn’t keep tolerating excuses at the sacrifice of my heart, my sanity or my peace of mind.
In the end, I guess I didn’t respond back cause I simply didn’t GAF. I know life goes on. I know we’re young and people make mistakes. Plus, I knew at the end of the day I’d be alright and I’ll continue to live a good life. Have you or anyone you know gone through a situation similar to this? If so, tell me all about it in the comment section.